This post is not for those who say, “I’m alone, not lonely” or “You should draw closer to God to banish loneliness.” It is not for the strong ones; the pretentious and hypocritical ones. It’s for people like me who are lonely.
I’ve figured out what I particularly hate about loneliness. There are two sides to it. First, it saps energy. There’s this weight that accompanies it. You can’t seem to find the vigour to jump out of bed in the morning. So you wake up in stages. You negotiate with yourself to get up.
It’s difficult to refuel emotionally if you’re constantly creating things. Those life giving hugs and pats on the back which say, “Well done” are few and far between. You become your sole cheerleader and validator. And then you encourage yourself in the Lord. You have these internal conversations with yourself where you say, “That was good work.” Since nobody tells you, you might as well tell yourself. Everyone assumes you’re strong and have your ish together so no one remembers to encourage you.
Loneliness even makes you lonelier. You say no to certain dates so you won’t do what you don’t want to do. I remember a friend kept trying to get me to party with him. Mind you, we had mutually friend zoned each other as we acknowledged we would make terrible partners. I eventually blurted out that if I hung out with him, I would jump him. Suffice to say, he wasn’t prepared for that level of honesty. I read something on Instagram a few days ago – “I don’t need attention, I need connection.” My mind craves a certain kind of connection.
The second side to loneliness is the sameness of each day. You go about your routine and nothing seems to change. It’s then you realise just how much of the colour in life is generated by the presence of others.
A few people will understand this post. They will know how it is possible to be surrounded by so many and still be alone; how it is possible to be so blessed and still lack.