Over the weekend and the better part of Monday, i was terribly ill. In my illness, i understood how people with migraines cease to function. I also experienced a strange empathy for ulcer ridden individuals because of the acid constantly churning in my stomach.
I was ill because i was worried and gripped by an irrational fear.
Fear paralyses the mind and motor functions. All you want to do is escape, sleep, be saved, have it over and done with. But how can you overcome a situation that is totally out of your control and all you can do is wait for the outcome? I felt impotent, blindsided, like i was on the edge of a precipice and at any moment my life could take a sharp, ugly, unpredictable turn. How could i be so stupid? Could i really have gone into this with my eyes open? Despite the warning bells in my head, could i have proceeded so rebelliously?
I became humbled and humiliated as i begged, negotiated and wept to the unseen Holies. I pledged to get off my pedestal, to empathise more, shut up, talk less, judge none. I promised to do better if i was given a second (or is it third) chance. To be more responsible, wiser, restrained.
It is extremely hard to succeed in life. For many, the sheer fear and weight of uncertainty cripples initiative and action. The comfort zone is preferred to the great unknown.
In my fear i broke boundaries i had determined never to cross. In my desperate negotiations and scenario planning, i broached outcomes i had vowed never to contemplate. I became a despicable nothing, as life continued unrelentingly and unconcerned around me. I became human, a woman, a gnat.
If faith is the opposite of fear and love overcomes it then my faith and love must be measly things. I know that now. As midnight approached and salvation was handed to me, i felt relief but also a deep sadness and shame at the lessons i had failed and the person i saw myself becoming. But, i understood. I understood humanity better; my heart and head expanded to accomodate actions and inactions, flaws and irrational selfish evils. It was a lesson well taught though horribly learned. I am determined to never come back to this place. Never. Never. Until next time, that is.