I was minding my own business taking Amazon Music for a spin, when the song What If, by Kane Brown came up. I was listening to the Rascal Flatts station, at the time. It’s been on replay since.

The song is about a lady who hesitates to start a relationship because she’s too cautious. She recounts all the reasons why she shouldn’t commit. Thankfully, she finds a man who is willing to debunk her “What Ifs”.

For a few days, I’ve been asking myself some honest questions, one of which is, “Shosho, are you scared of commitment?” I’ve been loved and I’ve loved back, but I haven’t “settled down” yet. I think the honest reason is, I haven’t met someone who seriously makes me consider the prospect of marriage (besides two close shaves I am most grateful to have been delivered from).

To be fair, I have been very occupied with “busyness”, which I’ve vowed to stop, so I can smell the roses of life. But in my defence, I notice everything, even when I’m busy. I process information very quickly. I can tell within minutes, if I’m sexually attracted to a guy or not. I can also tell whether we’ll be friends. I think many times, our visions of sex, relationship or friendship may align, but our vision of marriage does not. And marriage is a very big deal for me.

My “problem” is when I think of marriage, I don’t think of children or parties or building homes. None of the practical aspects of marriage appeals to me. I don’t want to “work at” or “work in” a marriage. Some people may relish having two jobs. I don’t.

If I could take a snapshot of my ideal marriage in my head, it would be an image of two people on a Safari running for their dear lives, to avoid being eaten by a lion. My husband and I would spend more time travelling than sitting still – together and on our own. We would have separate rooms but share the same bed. I wouldn’t have much furniture in mine and would prefer a monochrome palette, so I can rest my mind. We wouldn’t do much entertaining of family & friends and we wouldn’t attend church every Sunday. We would sleep in and be lazy.

Maybe I just haven’t met anyone who is as crazy, restless, intense but yet reclusive like I am. And, the picture a lot of people paint about marriage seems more like project management than friendship.