I’ve been tired this week and a bit soul weary. I really didn’t feel like writing a blog anytime soon, even though thoughts have been buzzing through my mind incessantly. It would seem that my mind rarely stops working, no matter how tired my body seems to be.
A while ago, it occured to me that if you want to observe a man at his “stupidest”, watch him when he’s fighting with another man. Closely observe the arrogant boastings and sputtered declarative statements. The chest heaving and nostril flaring. The sheer pride, arrogance and affronted vanity. The desire to impose will and self. The irrational anger. The attempt to reconstruct moves watched long ago in a kung-fu film. The pretense, posturing and excuses. And, the shame thereafter.
With women, it’s when they’re in love. They seem to enter into a mental state that blinds them to the truth. Or maybe they are just seeking some happiness. Consider the excuses for bad behaviour. The “I’ve gone too far. I can’t turn back now” despair. The thinking that the opinions of people who have known and loved them for 20-odd years don’t matter in the light of a love they’ve had for 3 months. The idolisation. The clinging. And, the shame thereafter
Why is it that men will proclaim another a pal or best friend even when that friend is a shitty excuse for a human being. Someone who repeatedly stabs them in the back, treats their girlfriend like dirt, often beating her up and cheating on her with the friend’s full knowledge. I understand the concept of loyalty, especially to someone who’s been there for you. But loyalty can be exercised from afar, not in such close quarters. If it’s possible to know a person by the friends they keep then, what do the actions of your friend (and your ability to stomach them) say about you? Perhaps, that you’re a person with double standards. Eventually that friend will turn around to bite you in the ass. I remember how a particular boyfriend of mine used to be so tight with his best friend. After, the friend hit on me, i realised that not only did my boyfriend choose to be deliberately blind to the true nature of his friend, but that the friend would eventually continue his habit of betrayal in years to come. Eventually, i cut off from both.
As i write this, I wonder whether my blogs serve their purpose. Originally they were conceived as a catharsis for my soul. A place to let go of pain, confusion, inconsistencies and troubling thoughts. Now i wonder if they don’t just amplify them. If they are like desperate shouts in a vacuum that return no echo, no corresponding notes.
I do know i am not a lone voice. There are other “mad people out there”. Perhaps, their medium is not words, yet they stand tall and proud on some other tract of universe. Mmn…