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God will probably not forgive me if I die a cockroach death and neither will I.

You know how you unceremoniously squash a roach and then move on? That’s how insignificant its death is to you.

Cockroach deaths abound in Nigeria. For example, getting hit by a commuter bus (Danfo) while crossing the road or a random motorbike (Okada).

Such deaths are entirely preventable, yet they occur with astonishing regularity in our dear country. I was reading the other day, that the number of deaths by motor vehicle may soon outstrip those by malaria! Hmm…

These deaths happen in our sleep, when our houses are overrun by floods. They find us in the air, as planes inexplicably drop from the sky. They locate us in our offices when terrorists ram through, laden with explosives.

Cockroach deaths are in our hospitals when the doctor finds an artery instead of a vein, or when there’s no blood. Why is there always no blood?

To avoid cockroach deaths, Nigerians have evolved several ingenious means of survival. The favourite by far is prayers. There is no form of death that prayers cannot save you from.

Whether you’re being pursued in your dreams by village people, or you need to make it to Ibadan safely; prayers are deemed particularly effective.

Then, there’s the option of amassing enough wealth to fund your own private militia. They’ll protect you from kidnappers, who have a ransom with your name on it. You also need your own armoured jeep for stray police bullets. Of course, you have three phone lines so you are assured of network availability, should armed robbers pay you a visit and you need to dial for help. And, you know a relative in the Police Force, for when you’re erroneously arrested for being a Yahoo boy.

Cockroach death by fake drugs is another kind invented by those who don’t think you should recover from sicknesses that ail you.

Whatever you do, just try as much as possible to avoid a cockroach death in Nigeria. Remember, you probably won’t forgive yourself.

You know how you unceremoniously squash a roach and then move on? That's how insignificant death in Nigeria can be. Click To Tweet