God will probably not forgive me if I die a cockroach death

You know how you unceremoniously squash a cockroach & then move on? That’s how insignificant a cockroach death is.

Cockroach deaths abound in Nigeria. For example, getting hit by a commuter bus (Danfo) while crossing the road or a random motorbike (Okada).

Such deaths are entirely preventable yet they occur with astonishing regularity in our dear country. I was reading the other day that the number of deaths by motor vehicle may outstrip those by malaria! Conspiracy theorists say the Government’s trying to exterminate us but I have no proof.

And so cockroach deaths happen in our sleep when our houses are overrun with floods. They find us in the air as planes inexplicably drop from the sky. They locate us in our offices when terrorists ram through laden with explosives.

Cockroach deaths are in our hospitals when the doctor finds an artery instead of a vein or when there’s no blood. Why is there always no blood when it’s your turn?

To avoid cockroach deaths, Nigerians have evolved several ingenious means of survival.

The favourite by far is prayers. There is no form of potential death that prayers cannot save you from in Nigeria.

Whether you’re being pursued in your dreams by family in the village or you need to make it to Ibadan safely; prayers are deemed particularly effective against cockroach deaths.

Then there’s the option of amassing enough wealth to fund your own militia. They’ll protect you from Boko Haram terrorists, who have a bomb with your name on it.

You also need your own armoured jeep for stray police bullets and four phones so you are assured of network availability when dialing for help should armed robbers pay you a late night visit. And, you need a relative in the Police Force for when you’re erroneously arrested for wandering.

Cockroach death by fake drugs is another kind invented by those who don’t think you should recover from the sickness that ails you.

Whatever you do, please try as much as possible to avoid a cockroach death. Remember, God may probably not forgive you.