Top Rejected City Slogans by Jason Roth

New Orleans

The city that really kicks ass. (But unfortunately also smells like it.)

Montreal

The most pretension, socialist politics, and annoying French accents you can get this side of the Atlantic.

Bombay

The land of untold riches and leprosy.

Cairo

Sit back,eat a pita, and see some of the most beautiful monuments to slavery in existence.

Orlando

The poor man’s Las Vegas.

San Francisco

I left my HIV-positive test results in San Francisco.

London

Bitter: it’s more than our beer. It’s a way of life.

Moscow

The fine line between Happy Meals and gulags.

Rio de Janeiro

On our beaches and in our churches: worshipping flabby, loin cloth-covered asses 365 days a year.

Atlanta

The city that never wakes.

Naples

Don’t think of our chicks as elderly, think of them as “sun roasted”.

Tijuana

Where waking up in a jail cell with a broken rib cage, a dozen venereal diseases, and wearing nothing but a sombrero is only the beginning.

Hoboken

Just because Sinatra was born here doesn’t mean we have any class.

Bangkok

If it’s crispy, has a sticky red sauce, and smells like fish, you’ve come to the right whorehouse.

Florence

We brought the Renaissance into this world. We can take it out.

Hollywood

You don’t need fake tits to make it in this town. Only a fake soul.

Hong Kong

As free as ancient Chinese dragon. (Just before it’s chopped up, injected with MSG, and served with chopsticks.)

Seattle

The home of coffee, rain, grunge music, cigarette butts, vomit, and drug-induced suicide.

Cape Town

Getting screwed by the white man for over six centuries. (Starting with the crummy prices they paid on the slaves we sold them.)

Woodstock

Where littering, freeloading, sex with strangers, trashing people’s property, and tripping out naked in the mud never sounded more romantic.



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