Different Categories of Friends

I’ve been studying and categorising my friends lately. (Don’t mind me. It’s a throwback to my days as a Microbiologist and studies on Taxonomy).

Anyway, I’ve identified 4 broad categories, so far:

Category One: Friends Who Radiate Peace

Category Two: Friends Who Exhaust

Category Three: Toxic Material

Category Four: The Blatantly Annoying

Category One friends radiate an inner peace or stability. They are kind, strong, can take care of themselves and take care of business. They give, are always ready to help out in a jam and are very efficient and reliable. They also adore you – the feeling is usually mutual – and are ready to spoil you when you’re down and out and need it.

Category Two Friends are really in 2 sub-categories. The 1st sub-category comprises those who will argue and argue with you, remaining stubborn till you’re exhausted, sad and defeated. They also give you physical headache. These individuals are sometimes children of lecturers or are men who don’t have sisters and hence have never learnt the finer points of fraternal diplomacy. They simply cannot lose an argument, hate apologizing and will batter you with a viewpoint till you give in out of sheer exhaustion. I’ve always thought that a highlight of humility is the ability to concede you may be wrong even when you know you’re right – just for the sake of peace and harmony. You’re man enough to allow time to vindicate you.

In the 2nd sub-category are those who are so deep and intellectual that you can’t quite take it all in. They’re usually emotional, needy and demanding and will literally tire you out. This sub-category also includes men and women who love people that don’t love them back and those who constantly pressure you for sex. Only God can fully meet their emotional needs.

With Category Three, you find yourself doing and saying things you wouldn’t ordinarily do or say. You spend the night partying with them or you wake up beside them in the harsh light of the morning and find yourself saying: “What am I doing here”?

Category Four are in a class of their own. I must settle in to write about them.

These are people who try to control you and make you fit their narrow-minded view of the world. I tend to ask: “If I’m not trying to make you like me, why on earth are you trying to make me like you? Can’t you simply accept that I will never be you, don’t subscribe to your values and think that you’re an overbearing and self-righteous idiot to deny me my fundamental right to be different from you”! Okay, I don’t quite put it like that. (Smile).

It’s interesting that when you resist and dig you’re foot in; they consider you stubborn or proud. I will never respond favourably to people trying to MAKE ME change. I’ve learnt that you can’t change anyone. Only love can – not emotional blackmail. Even God has a hard time changing us, so who the heck are you?!

If a person cannot accept me holistically then he/she should bloody well leave me alone, after all I didn’t come looking for you.

Another particularly annoying group is men who constantly badger women to go out with them. This is a rather common overpopulated group. If a woman says no – take the hint and drop all this African nonsense about being persistent and “women meaning yes when they say no”. In my opinion, a woman who does that is significantly confused and should be avoided, ‘cause she almost always has the gift of telling lies too! If a determined woman says no, accept it. If she changes her mind, trust me, you’ll know. She’ll throw out so many “come hither” signals that are very hard to miss.

So, that’s my spiel about friends. With every sense of gratitude, I must admit, I’ve met my fair share of wonderful people. I meet new ones at the oddest times too. But will I ever meet THE ONE? I’ll keep my fingers crossed. (Smile).



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